Turn of the Seasons

I have always had a burden for the lost of humanity. I have had a burden for our city and for the gay community in London. I would spend many a Saturday in Soho handing out leaflets and invitations for the guys walking in the streets to come and attend our services at the MCC.
As you would expect, most of them were not interested. And I was driven by a sense of urgency within me that burned like a fire in my soul. If only they could experience the Presence of God as I have experienced it. They would never be the same again. Deep within I was still the fundamental hardcore Charismatic.

We believe that the Bible is the total and complete Word of God. It gives all the answers to all the questions we face in life. We believe that Jesus is the only way to the Father, having atoned for humanity with the sacrifice He made on the cross. Those who reject this gift of salvation would be destined for eternal hell. That is what I could not bear. Those poor souls burning eternally in hell, and the thought of it drove me to tears.

I remember getting home one day and falling down on my knees in tears before God. I had exhausted all my knowledge. Every teaching and Bible verse I had available and it was still not enough. I felt something was missing. I had nothing to offer, to give to help these people, because I was lost too. I was seeking Truth and for the first time I realised that if I had the whole Truth my life would not have been so ordinary. I would heal the sick and raise the dead and deal with injustice towards the poor and needy, and I realised that there was something they were not telling us. This was in the latter part of 2005. I still attended a conference with Grace Fellowship in Dallas, Texas, in September.

That prayer was the turning point in my walk with God. I asked God to show me what was missing. I was desperate for more of God and only God knew my heart at that moment. I was reading a lot of prophetic books by people like Jim Goll, Rick Joyner and Chuck Pierce.

In October 2005 I was diagnosed with a brain tumor. I also became redundant at work. This provided an opportunity for me to have brain surgery and spend my time seeking, and praying while recovering. God asked me to give up the church and my connection with mainstream Christianity. This was heavy for me as it was all I knew all my life. But it had to go and I obeyed.

I also felt compelled to spend some time doing what I know as waiting on the Lord, which is known otherwise as meditation. I began to do a guided meditation daily, and this was without any prior research on what meditation was.

After surgery in 2005, I spent 2 months at home doing this, and I found a contracting job, which enable me to work at home for 2 months early in 2006. This was ideal, as it would allow me to continue doing some of that meditation bits again. And it was during this time that I discovered books like the Nag Hammadi Library, and the Dead Sea Scrolls, the Book of Enoch, and the Essene Gospels of Peace.

So I discovered Jesus was a leader of the Essene sect, and they did not limit their study to the Torah, but also studied astrology, the Tree of Life, Gematria and believed in reincarnation. This was a far cry from my traditional thinking, and I had to change my wineskins.

I had much work to do. I started a new job in July 2006, and in my new position I was able to order the books and began to study the Tree of Life and Essene material. I worked through the books of Israel Regardie on the Tree of Life, and in 2007 began to do meditations suitable for this. It required studying the Sepher Yetzirah, the spheres of emanation of God, and I learned about the Archangels, the orders of angels and how this is all connected to Astrology and the Tarot Card deck. I discovered what Jesus meant when He preached that we should seek first the Kingdom. The Kingdom has always been the 10th sphere in the Tree of Life, and only the church in the 4th century redefined it in order to blind us and keep us in ignorance. We were wandering in a spiritual desert for centuries.

The Church of Constantine popes and bishops secretly knew the esoteric side of God, the Tarot Card system, meditation, The Tree of Life but the masses were forbidden to study it. They labelled this as the occult and associated it with devil worhip and satanism, thus using fear to keep people away from it. Today images of the Tarot Card Deck decorate the ceilings of the Cistene Chapel in the Vatican. Michael Angelo painted those works of art there.

This discovery was a shocking one. It took me about a week to recover from the sickening sensation I felt. It was devastating to know that a Path I followed and believed for so long, was in the end a lie. The seasons were turning and I found myself becoming more and more aware of my own spirituality. The meditations were working and my consciousness was expanding.